Who I Am

Many think I'm some great bearing fortress capable of bearing immense amounts of stress, and this I am. I bear great weights every day, and it is a mystery how I can even get out of bed. But I'm not invincible. I'm not incapable of weeping in public uncontrollably when 
I see the worry in someone's eyes for me, when the voice of a peer beckons me to welcome her embrace, when I feel the pain of over a hundred relationships breaking, and then imagining all the broken bonds across the world. I'm not incapable of secluding myself in a dark corner of an auditorium and crying softly while companions try to get their minds off the pressing circumstance by playing hide-and-seek in the dark. I'm not incapable of shedding tears even as I type this now. I have been holding up tons of weight, and I've disassociated my emotion to someone who was once a very close friend, and if she ever reads this, know how truly sorry I am for what I can never take back. I cry. I feel. I yearn with a killing desire to stop the pain. Every tear shed that I see makes me feel every tear shed ever. Every time I apologize, oh my god I'm so sorry im sorry for everything for damaging property and damaging relationships and failing relationships and misbehaving and coming between people and for being an idiot and making people afraid and for apologizing too. I'm sorry for every apology anyone has ever made, every mistake ever made. I'm sorry for all the burned bridges of history, all the broken loves of time. I'm sorry i'll never be happy again, i'm sorry i can't forget the past, i'm sorry i'm in love with others, i'm sorry nothing will ever make up for it. i'm sorry i'm--- i'm depressed. i'm dying. but i'm caught in the middle.