falling

Worse, I'm getting worse worse worse. My instability is increasing. My inner turmoil is killing me. My outer turmoil is not helping. I want to make something beautiful. I want to sculpt, to draw, make music- not just occasionally write. I have so much inside me, but i don't know how to show it. I want to be happy again. i should be happy, I have a wonderful girlfriend, close friends, mentors, valuable possessions, an alright life. i shouldn't be so, well despondent. I've tried everything, honestly. I tried going back to God, I tried meaningless relationships, I tried not giving a damn, I tried being the nicest guy around, I tried being the ass hole, i suppose i haven't tried being a drug addict, or a jock. I've tried to kill myself, I don't have the strength to. I'm lost, lost because I found out. I don't want to be here, I don't want to feel all this anymore. i need advice, I need something to hold me up from this dark pit. I feel it all around me, my insanity, my emotion, my torment. Lost, Gnarls Barkley has it right with their song "Crazy". "I remember when, I remember i remember when I lost my mind! There was something so pleasant about that place. Even your emotions have an echo in so much space. And when you're out there, without care, yeah i was out of touch. But it wasn't because i didn't know enough. i just knew too much." maybe i'm just an over-reactive little bastard, who the hell knows. I'm just an undead scarecrow slipping into death yet again, and i only hope i don't drag any demonic angels down with me. fuck, what if we're going down together? we need to leave, this world, we aren't for it. we don't belong here. no solution, no solution what if this was a math equation? no solution, no solution. the solution would be an imaginary number number divided by zero, multiplied by the fifth root of another variable to the seventy-third power, all over the logarithm of pi cubed. hmmmm, i'll expand on this equation and plot it out for you.